Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
