I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
