her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize