you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
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