College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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