Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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