I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
