Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
