So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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