I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
