if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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