I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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