I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize