apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
