I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
