What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i dont even know how to be here
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
