I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
