We won't sleep together?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
