DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
