Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
