YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
