On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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