Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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