I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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