dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
