Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Vodka?
Forever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
