Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
