just tell him i said nine months
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
