also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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