it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
