Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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