I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
