I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
