I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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