Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
