i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize