Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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