My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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