Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
