I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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