Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
