I wish I could punch you in the face.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
