its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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