she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
