I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
