3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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