you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
