Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
