My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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