my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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