i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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