I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize