I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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