maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i will never coherently bang her
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
