I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
