and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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