Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
