our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
